i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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