I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
