....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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