We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
