How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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