I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
