Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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