just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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