New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
