im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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