you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
