My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
