Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
