I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Be still, my beating vagina.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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