i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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