the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
