I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
