Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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