you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
