This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
