Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
