woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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