Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
