im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
