It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
