Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I need a beard to bite.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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