Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
