i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
