Just fell off a train. Bad.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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