come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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