The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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