im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
