shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
