I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
