The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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