I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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