Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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