Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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