Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
