guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
