Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I am mentally ready for anal.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
