Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
