did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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