I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
