yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
