its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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