I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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