I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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