'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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