my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
