Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
