He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
