I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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